I know my blogs are long, they're more helpful to me processing things. BUT I'm going to try going back through and highlighting and such to make it easier to read.

here we go. *completed* okay on second thought, fear of man kicking kicking in. it's a little obnoxious, but oh well.

Burning it's little heart out, my "juicy peach" "flavored" candle from yankee tried to motivate the cleaning of my room. To no avail. Pancakes at Garrett's beckoned. I was late, so I just talked with several people, and ate organic cocoa bean bits. 18 Dollars for a decent sized coffee bag like container. Smokes. it was like eating gold. caffeinated gold. that tasted "like dirt and coffeebeans, except a lot worse." That's what my sister Laura said, queen of weird organic foods. The taste was horrendous, the aftertaste was probably worse. It was after 10 minutes, where I had a slight chocolatey flavor in my mouth when I though, hmmm, those were kind of good! And the second pinch was worse. But still kind of addicting. Anyhow. Jesse came over afterwards and chilled in my room while I cleaned. That was the most motivating thing ever, having somebody with me when I cleaned. It was mostly silent (actually, mostly Nickel Creek playing, just not much talking), as he was reading a book, but it was probably the most helpful thing he could've done. It's kind of funny when you think about it, but nevertheless it was very helpful. The room's still messy, but much more cleaner.

At like 01:00, my shuffling Ipod turned to a sermon on the fear of man. It was from the New Attitude conference I believe, a pastor from Soverign Grace Ministries, but I don't recall his name and I don't want to look it up right now. Anyhow, it was ridiculously convicting and encouraging. It freed me so much... in my mind at least, practically I'm still a wretched sinner, but it was a good reminder and will help. It was basically a really short version of tbe book "When People are Big and God is small." Which I need to read at least once a week (and don't, obviously : P) I'm not going to be able to quote or probably even paraphrase well enough to do any sort of justice, but I'll just tell you the awesome things that I remember. SO often my view of myself is guided mainly by other's opinions of me. I'm controlled by what they MAY think of me. The potential criticism that I may receive shapes a lot of what I do, or if they need to be criticised or told that they're wrong, I don't want to alienate them or make them like me less. Though if you know me well that statement probably makes you snicker, because I do like criticism and have a very hard time controlling my mouth wisely in that area. BUT the reason I love criticism flows out of the same fear of man. I want to know why people don't like me, and change it. When people tell me straightup that I'm failing miserablly or even just failing, it makes me happy. Because they feel comfortable enough to tell me that, and then I have something I can DO to work on, and it appeals to my self-righteous heart. Well this is all 100% sinful, and it was so good to hear - BECAUSE he pointed it back to Jesus Christ. This analogy was helpful to me. He said we're clay being formed into cups (or jars of clay, whatev) and if we were already cup shaped, we wouldn't need to be formed anymore. We need to be molded and worked on... in my case a ridiculous amount. And I don't just say that as a "yeah, I'm sinful." no, I'm really sinful, rebelious, self-righteous and judgemental. ugh. BUT anyhow he was saying that's exactly why we have to be formed and molded into the image of Christ. BECAUSE WE'RE NOT THERE YET!! And there's nothing we can do to do that. Rather than looking at myself when I messed up horribly which I often do- thinking to myself "okay, what's God trying to teach my about myself?. I need to figure this out, fix it, and get over it." When what I should be thinking is "What is God trying to teach me about HIM?" I think He does point out sin in my life. Every day, usually it's different things. But it's my reaction that's wrong. It's a fear of man reaction of "okay, I this is why people don't like me! if I fix this sin, they'll like me more." Rather, I need to learn that God is showing my sin so that I can see Him more clearly, see the Gospel in a better light, have a better appreciation for the Cross. Kind of ironic that the sermon was like God telling me- SCOTTY you're so ridiculously self absorbed and proud and SINFUL!! But THEN - COME TO ME!! Sin will NEVER make you truly happy, joyful or peaceful. I WILL! I want you to trust in Jesus for your righteousness. I sent Him for YOU, and He's the only one who's going to make you fulfilled.
Deuteronomy 8:5 "Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you."
Hebrews 12:5-6 "And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

ahh. so good. I have nothing left to say.